BECOMING

New York City 1986, my 19 year old self cried out to God….”Lord use me, I just want to be used by you”. I remember reading Proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman and wanted to be her so bad; however God sent me to Isaiah 54 and I rebuked it. Lol

I grew up in a single parent home longing to be “a family” like my friends but it never happened. I lived with the desire to be married, be at home raising my children and loving my husband.

Damn! Reality hurts real bad sometimes.

I had two failed marriages, 3 children out of 4 out of wedlock, the emotional scar of abortion, used sex as game (men weren’t the only players to me) and through it all God still had a plan for my life. By the time I was in my mid 30’s I was a mess. I dealt with death and grief for years because of family members leaving this life back to back. I dealt with secret thoughts of suicide because being strong for everyone was a heavy load.

Through it all God had a plan.

After the birth of my twin boys at the age of 37, I began to close my heart and emotions for the sake of my sanity. My life’s goal was to be present for my children.

I was THAT mom!

I was the supportive mom who would do anything for her children. As a single mom, I was protector, provider, taxi driver, cheerleader, advocate, and so much more for years because I did what I had to do for my children.

I lost myself.

My heart was secure in God’s hand and the thoughts of preparing for the love God had planned for me was NOT ON MY AGENDA. After all my children needed me and who would be there for them like me? I didn’t have the time or the patience to deal with any foolishness.

I had three rings that I bought for myself because I wanted to wear them on my ring finger because I was married to God, so why not. I wore those rings with pride and was totally content with me and God forever.

He loves me unconditionally.

He provides for me.

He protects me.

He accepts me.

Through it all God had a plan.

Over the past year or so my life has gone through some emotional challenges that God Himself has kept me sane on so many levels. I have fought for my mental sanity, fought in prayer for my children, dealt with challenges on the job, but most importantly, I surrendered to the thought of moving into preparation for love again. Lord knows I had been absolutely against it.(ask my friends😜)

I’m not dating or even looking to date however, I have yielded to preparing for my next season in life. I literally cried real tears when something on the inside of me said, “take off your rings and put them on the other hand, you are in preparation for greater”.

I have started several projects that are dear to my heart. I have made plans to travel out of the country to Iceland and I am boldly trusting God to do a mighty work through me for His glory.

Today I begin to live a life of expectation.

I expect great things to happen to me so I can be a great blessing to someone else.

I expect to change physically for the better because God gave me this body and I need to take care of it.

I expect for love to find me one day, but until then I will continue to prepare.

I will continue to become.

I will continue to love life to the fullest.

I will continue to learn.

I will continue to love.

Will you join me?

Much love,

Black Mama